Friday, 30 September 2016

Carlton the Gardener

It's Friday - the day Carlton takes over my blog. Views are his own and not necessarily, in fact, rarely, shared by the blog owner.

 
Carlton The Gardener

by Carlton Cat

LAST week the Mrs was toiling over a sketch pad, mapping out a floral blueprint for the garden. For the spring she envisaged a plot covered by swathes of brightly-coloured daffodils, narcissi, tulips and lily of the valley. The Mr and Mrs then spent all morning planting spring-flowering bulbs.

I spent all afternoon digging them up again.

Look, I thought I was being helpful. To my aesthetic sensibilities there were far too many bulbs, they needed thinning out and I was the one to do it. I can’t deny I took some kind of pleasure from the task. It was very satisfying getting my paws dirty, digging down, searching around and then hooking out the little bulb.

I was tidy. After playing with the bulbs, throwing them up in the air and pouncing on them, I lined them up neatly outside the back door.

Busy in the garden


My task done, I padded across the kitchen floor, into the sitting-room and up onto the sofa, leaving clumps of dark brown soil as I went.

The Mrs arrived home from work, humming brightly. She dumped her work paraphernalia in the hall and flung open the sitting-room door. Her mouth fell open.

“Carlton!” she yelled. ‘What have you been doing?’ Her eyes followed the trail of mud from door to sofa. Tutting, she went to fetch cleaning products.

She must have opened the back door because I heard a sharp scream. ‘Noooooooo!’

There’s a saying, isn’t there, ‘discretion is the better part of valour’, which, to paraphrase means 'get the hell out of there before you get your arse whipped’. I took off for my hidey hole under the shed where I stayed for a couple of hours cleaning off my paws and snoozing. I waited long enough for the Mr and Mrs to get worried about me. It started to get dark and I heard them calling.

I tentatively approached the Mr and wound myself around his legs. He picked me up.

“There you are! You’re a very naughty boy, aren’t you?” But his voice was soft, not angry.
The Mrs  tickled me under the chin.

“What are we going to do with you Carlton?” she said, and sighed quite loudly.

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Friday, 23 September 2016

Scientific Experiments


It's Friday - the day Carlton takes over my blog. Views are his own and not necessarily, in fact, rarely, shared by the blog owner.

 
Carlton The Scientist

by Carlton Cat

TODAY, in order to increase the sum of human knowledge, I have been investigating the effects of gravity on random objects.

The results of my experiments:

Coffee mug. Will break. Effect: Liquid content will spread and stain pale rug. Secondary effect: The Mrs will scream and rush to get the carpet cleaner.

Jar of jam/jelly. Will break. Effect: Floor becomes sticky. Very sticky. Secondary effect: If anyone (*looks innocent) walks through it they will leave jammy footprints all over the house.

My friend is caught in the act - note contrite expression.

Newspaper. Will fall apart. Effect: The Mr will bundle it back together again while swearing. Quite loudly. Secondary effect: The Mr will start reading an article and become very confused  because he's got the pages in the wrong order.

Glass bowls. Will break. Effect: The Mrs will be upset because it was a gift from Aunt Maud. Secondary effect: Mr will do a fist pump because he's always hated it.

Pillow. Will fall and look very inviting. Too inviting. Effect: Zzzzzzzz.Secondary effect: Zzzzzzzz.

I'm thinking of changing my name to Einstein.




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Wednesday, 21 September 2016

Cat Masterchef

 THIS is one spoiled cat!





Better not let my cat watch this or I shall have to completely rethink my cat food buying policy. Out go the pouches and tins, in comes the fresh salmon.

Seriously though, does anyone NOT buy ready prepared? Do you feed your cats fresh meat and fish? If you do, do you cook it first? Do you feel it's better for them? Would love to hear your views.


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Friday, 16 September 2016

The Case of the Missing Chicken

It's Friday - the day Carlton takes over my blog. But I'm sorry, Carlton can't come to the phone today. He's too upset. Brief explanation of upsettedness below

 

The Case of the Missing Chicken








Message from Carlton re Rajah ("ooo, I'm so grand I am part pedigree"), the cat next door.

DO. NOT. TALK. TO. ME.
RAJAH. STOLE. MY. CHICKEN.

(Which I had been saving for a rainy day. Today was raining.)


He looks like this - not an actual picture of him, but you get my drift.




I have my revenge planned. I'm going to lure him into the garden by dressing like this. Then I will

ATTACK





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Wednesday, 14 September 2016

Ideal Pets

 
Toffee is annoyed. I've just done a quiz and it says my ideal pet is a guinea pig.





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Friday, 9 September 2016

Carlton's Logic


It's Friday - the day Carlton takes over my blog. Views are his own and not necessarily, in fact, rarely, shared by the blog owner.

 
Don't Call Me Illogical

by Carlton Cat


I AM offended. There I was asleep in the cardboard box my new cat toy came in and the Mr says to Mrs: "That cat is just not logical!" and laughs. She laughs too and says: "You can say that again!" He ignored her and didn't say anything again - but neither of them seemed to care. And they call me illogical.

That's the trouble with you humans, you just don't understand feline logic so I have found a few pictures for you that demonstrate our point of view.















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Friday, 2 September 2016

Bye Bye, Birdie, Bye Bye

It's Friday - the day Carlton takes over my blog. Views are his own and not necessarily, in fact, rarely, shared by the blog owner.

 
Bye Bye, Birdie, Bye Bye

by Carlton Cat



BIRDS. What's all that about? What is the point of them? They flap about making weird chirping noises, sit in trees and make a mess on the ground. That. Is. All.


Why did the Mr and Mrs set up a bird table in the garden? It only encourages the little twerps.
I know it’s good fun leaping at them and chasing them. Their chirps turn to squawks then -  but I could live without this little amusement.

Yesterday I was even more pissed off at them than usual. I was lying on the windowsill catching a few rays when this blackbird landed on a tree outside and started chirruping away. Annoyed at having my sleep interrupted, I leapt up to catch it…and hit my head on the window. Yes, folks, the window was shut.

I fell behind the sofa. And all I could hear was that darn bird continuing to sing some stupid bloody song and, what was worse, he had been joined by a few other members of his flipping  feathered family. My head was hurting so I have a valid excuse for what happened next.

I was dazed. I was tired. I was angry… I had forgotten about the closed window. So I tried to jump through it again.

This was all bad enough but then I heard laughter. The Mr and Mrs were standing there guffawing away like a pair of idiots. I put on my most disdainful expression, held my tail up high and stalked through the door.

It's a funny thing, though. Since that little incident I haven't seen a bird at all.





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Wednesday, 31 August 2016

Cat Leads Hiker To Safety




HERE'S a lovely story about a cat who led a hiker to safety. The Reddit user, known only as sc4s2cg, was hiking the Bernese Oberland in Switzerland when he sprained his ankle. He couldn't find his way back to his hostel in the village of Gimmelwald because the trail had been closed.

As he rested, a black and white cat came up to him. The hiker said: "The cat, who was just wandering around, found me while I was resting from a hike. Then he was walking and kept looking at me to follow and led me straight to the path that would take me back down to the valley.”

Above is a video the man filmed of the incident and uploaded to YouTube. After seeing the video other people said they had also met the cat.

There is no suggestion that the hiker was ever in danger but he seemed very pleased to have the cat as his guide!

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Tuesday, 30 August 2016

Cats Waking Owners


Love this! I think all cat lovers know these scenarios very well - and have the scratches to prove it.

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Friday, 26 August 2016

It's WHAT Day?

It's Friday - the day Carlton takes over my blog. Views are his own and not necessarily, in fact, rarely, shared by the blog owner.

 
International Cat/Dog Day

by Carlton Cat

I AM reliably informed that today is International Dog Day.

Dog Day, I ask you. I am shocked and disgusted. Why do dogs need a day of their own? Although, thinking about it, they do have their uses:





They are very good at keeping you warm...


...especially if there are two of them.


Oh, and they make good pillows.


They are sometimes good listeners and let you whisper in their ear.


You can have a laugh with some of them - play a game or two.


Even so, let's face it. They are not very bright.  GUESS WHO!


So I guess it's OK to have International Dog Day, just as long as you don't forget it's INTERNATIONAL CAT DAY on (hang on, just let me look it up)...the 8th of August.

WHAT! The 8th of August? No one told me. Hey, you lot, I'm owed LOTS OF PRESENTS. Where are my International Cat Day treats and toys? I got NOTHING. Not a card, box or woolly mouse. It's OK - it's not too late because in my house it's ALWAYS Cat Day.




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